Axia Programs Manager Sherry Mohr will be interviewing author Lilyan Andrews about her new book, Waiting and Dating: An Orthodox Christian’s Guide for Navigating Singleness and Godly Relationships. We’ll be sharing their conversation tomorrow - stay tuned!
Modern dating has changed quite a bit since I was in my 20s searching for “the one.” Even then, I often felt lost, misguided, and downright dejected. I frequently questioned God about my future marital state. I didn’t realize it then, but I wasn’t chasing God in my relationships. Instead, I was chasing an unrealistic version of “the one.”
In her book Waiting and Dating: An Orthodox Christian’s Guide for Navigating Singleness and Godly Relationships, Lilyan Andrews maintains that the pursuit of marriage should mirror your pursuit of God. (We recognize that single persons are also called to pursue a relationship with God and that not everyone will pursue marriage as a part of that calling.)
Marriage is a path toward holiness, not superficial happiness. Tasoni Lilyan writes, “We may also need to give up on our own desires and instead search for what God desires for us.” Note she doesn’t say what we think God desires for us. Although dating and relationships may seem focused on the couple, the essence of this bond is rooted in God and holiness.
Although we often associate holiness with monastics, martyrs, and often-celebrated saints, it is meant for everyone (1 Peter 1:16). Holiness is an intimate relationship with God that manifests in various ways (just look at said monastics, martyrs, and saints; see also random unnoticed elderly women who have conversed with saints and the Most Holy Mother of God).
When we evaluate our potential spouse through the standards of the secular world (like that hot-holy matrix that recently went viral), we revert to earthly pleasures, invite sin into the relationship, and neglect the divine image within each person. Such superficial assessments reduce the sacrament of marriage to a mere caricature: they overlook the beauty and sanctity with which individuals were crafted by God even in the womb. God has created each of us uniquely; He calls us all by name. If we base our search for “the one” on superficial criteria, we contradict God's vision for relationships.
I am not claiming that physical and spiritual attraction should fall by the wayside. What matters is how you assess the other. A relationship based solely on superficial criteria undermines the vulnerable space necessary for spiritual growth, love, and humility.
The sacrament of marriage represents an everlasting bond between two distinct and eternal souls, and its ultimate goal is this connection. In the ideal, the fellowship expressed through the mutual love between spouses highlights their identity in harmony with God's divine image. God created women and men in His image; they share the same essence and destiny: to attain likeness to God. As such, the relationship is called to mirror Christ’s love for the Church. This love is not authoritarian, nor is it hierarchical. Marriage is a struggle down the narrow path. It involves two broken people struggling in communion with each other. As Paul so eloquently described in 1 Cor. 13, these struggles require a love that is patient, kind, merciful, and sacrificial - everything Christ was, is, and will be. While physical and spiritual attraction are essential, these desires should be godly and not sinful.
I am on year 12 of my marriage, and I am thankful that somewhere along this road, my husband and I realized that this is not about us. We aim at making God the center of our family, and though we often fail, He nudges us back toward Him. I love that Lilyan is an Orthodox woman, and she perfectly nudges singles and married couples to realize that God is in the lead. He leads the way to our spouse (or to our singleness), and He leads the way in our marriage. If we lose sight of that, or if that’s not where our hearts belonged from the start, it will reflect in the outcome of our relationships, or lack thereof. Marriage is extremely hard work. I have come to recently realize that God truly makes all things new (Revelation 21:5), and it really is not how we start but how we end (St. Basil). “Remember that your growth in relationships doesn’t have a finish line; it is a work in progress” (Lilyan Andrews).
Sherry Mohr is a research librarian, aspiring theologian, and Axia's new Programs Manager. She currently resides in Arizona with her nature-loving husband and three adventurous and book-obsessed boys. As a Coptic Orthodox Christian, Sherry looks forward to examining how women lead and serve Christ within our ancient faith.
