About a year after our wedding, Anthony and I couldn’t help but notice that, though we’d hoped for children early on, we had yet to conceive. I began to become a little frustrated and concerned that we may be experiencing infertility. I falsely thought that if I just prayed hard enough and often enough then we would be blessed with this desire of our hearts. So, I prayed hard and often for a child.
This went on until, during a liturgy one Sunday at my home church (Saint Innocent in Macon, Georgia), I found myself unable to focus and being pulled into my thoughts. Surrounded by precious babies and children, I thought, What if I never conceive? How will I come to terms with that? In that moment I happened to look over at the iconostasis and fixed my eyes on the icon of the Blessed Mother and baby Christ. Suddenly, it was as if the choir and the crowd faded away and I was standing there alone, looking into the eyes of the Theotokos. The candle in front of her was reflecting a glow on her face, and the expression on her face was one of pure peace. I then felt a tangible sense of peace wash over me, and I knew that the peace I felt in that moment was from the Lord. It was a potent peace that only comes from Him.
I went home and continued my prayers, though they were different than before. My prayers were not for my own will, but for the will of the Father. Prior to this I had been praying for a child, due to the well-known verse, “let your requests be made known to God.” But I had been putting my own desires over the will of the Lord, a mistake that had become painfully apparent to me. So I began praying for His will and He continued to feed my soul with the same peace I experienced in church that day.
Now, about six months later, I’m still praying for God’s will to be done in my life, and He’s still sowing peace in my heart. Anthony and I are open to children if ever and whenever the Lord decides to bless us with them, but we are not fretting about it. We know that He is far wiser than we are, and we’ve learned to put our full faith in His wisdom and plans for us.
When I look at the icon of the Theotokos and baby Christ, I’m reminded to dwell in faith and peace. My confidence is restored in the fact that our Lord is good and that His mercy endures forever. May the Blessed Mother of God continue to steward the faith of all us daughters of Christ, unto the ages of ages.
Amanda Mosallam is an author and freelance writer based in rural Georgia. She's a wife, homemaker, and Orthodox convert who loves to write about all things faith, womanhood, and traditional living.
